I’m so scared I’m going to lose you.
Straight up, there’s so much of me that doesn’t want to lose you.
I’m choosing you every day, so losing you without a say
feels like hell.
I can tell how well I fell for you, because there’s a well and spell that wants me to hold on—
hold on for dear life because I don’t want to lose you.
Is this true love?
Is this an intervention from above?
Or is this attracting attention and atoning for another attachment,
creating chaos causing crippling cramps of attachment?
Because right now my body just doesn’t want to lose you.
When you’re not here with me, it’s hard for me to see why you’re choosing me.
The part of me that wants to flee is up in arms,
predicting, projecting, preparing me for possible harms,
because these parts are powerfully protecting painful possibilities from possessing me,
obsessing me, messing me when I’m addressing the fear of losing you.
But it’s because I love you, I think.
It’s because the idea of not being with you makes my heart sink,
that’s why I’m just so damn scared I’m going to lose you.
But is this true love?
Is true love really zero-sum—
the more we love, the less love we have to give?
The idea that love is reactive, selective, and relative doesn’t feel true.
The more I feel into it, the less that it feels true
because true love, if I’m being honest,isn’t about me or you,
as much as it feels that way right now.
It’s really because I don’t want to allow in the possibility of losing you,
because honestly, without you, I don’t know who will make me feel this way.
Every day, I say that I will pay whatever may be the price of love,
but here I am trying to price your love and entice your love
to a place of possession, a place of zero-sumness,
just so I can feel a wholeness, and numb what I think is a whole mess inside me—
but is this true love
when I’m using you to fill me, rather than fulfill me?
The reason I’m scared right now is because I disavow my own responsibility,
my own ability to heal my fragility and create stability
through the act of truly loving myself—
not in a way that I’m just self-soothing, searching for someone to save me,
but in a way where I’m just self-proving to myself that I will continue to be there,
not scare and compare myself to anyone else, just be there, anywhere.
Because true love is when I no longer have a choice.
Because true love is not something that shrinks when it’s given.
It grows great and grand when it’s given,
because true love is exponentially expanding expressions exceeding expectations of what we think it is.
True love is more than we can ever know
because it will infinitely continue to outgrow our mind,
so what we will find behind the misaligned definition of love
is that it is something we can never think our way through—only feel,
and when you feel the real deal it will heal you, still,
because true love is just about love—
love for everyone and everything.
In true love we don’t actually have a say
in which way, on what day, or who may be the object of that love.
Because at its heart, our heart will start to chart love when we allow it to become us.
True love will help us become.
True love can only ever be positive-sum.